Snippets #2

A Cure for Crabs

Alcohol does funny things to your thinking processes, especially if one has been alcoholic for most of his life. The man I knew had been an alcoholic from the time he was a kid. When I met him he was a patient in a mental hospital.

“How did you end up here?” I asked.

“I set my apartment on fire.”

“How did you do that?”

“I had crabs.”

“Crabs? What does having crabs to do with setting your apartment on fire?”

“Well, I read somewhere that gasoline will kill then, so I went into the bathroom with a can of gasoline and sat down on the toilet and poured it on my privates to kill the crabs.”

“Yes . . . “

“Then I lit a cigarette, and dropped a match in the toilet.”

“Did you get rid of the crabs?”

“Oh, ya!”

Box Springs

Box springs are a wonderful invention when it comes to sleeping. They’re much better than the open coil springs people used to put up with. We don’ know how fortunate we are, as this story will illustrate. It was told to me years ago by a man in his eighties who told it to illustrate a point: when you first wake up, pay attention to what is going on.

“I woke up one morning,” he began, “and I could smell the coffee, so I rolled over and sat up on the edge of the bed, trying to wake up. Since it was summer, I slept in the nude.” As he sat there rubbing his eyes his testicles, unnoticed, slipped down into the coil springs. When he tried to get up, the springs coiled around his testicles like a noose. His wife had to come and rescue him.

Today, no man has to suffer such an indignity. I’ve often wondered if the inventor of box springs hadn’t had a similar experience early one morning and suddenly had a better idea.


About gwpj

Originally from Seattle, I now live in Sapporo, Japan, where I write, explore this city, read widely, and ask questions about things that i see as important. I'm also an author, with three novels published ("The Old Man and The Monkey", "Grandfather and The Raven", and "Bear: a story about a boy and his unusual dog"). For more information about my writing, drop by my website, at
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